October

October 22nd... here it comes again.. and once again.. I'm caught off guard by the deep sadness and feelings of loss..

The worst part is that there isn't anything to do with these feelings.. Just be sad.. just feel empty.. Just feel like I don't want to be around anyone.. even Curtis..

Curtis is being understanding.. it's the first time he's had to deal with this "me".. It's such a different me. I'm usually so positive and "the glass is half full" kind of girl.. but right now, I just want to crawl inside myself and be alone.

I hope that when we are in Glenwood Springs, I can let this go and enjoy him and our time together.

But.. all I can think about is will this be the year that John thinks about me on his birthday..

and.. I get angry. I want to scream at him and his adoptive mom and tell them what ungrateful assholes they are. I gave birth to him.. I gave him to you.. and you never even say thank you.. I know that all of this is unreasonable.. but it's in me and it eats at me... and I'm just so sad..

So... I know that there are some out there that find pleasure in hurting me.. by letting me know how perfect everything is in their perfect lives.. and as happy as I am for them.. in October... it just feels like a slap in the face.. or a punch in the gut.. but as long as they found pleasure in the process of inflicting the pain.. then I guess it's all ok... and in November.. I'll be fine with the perfect life.. Mine might feel perfect by then too...

but for right now... I hope you choke on your champagne in your fucking hot tub...