Stella

She doesn't know how much I love her...
She doesn't know that I'm her grandma...
She doesn't know that she carries a part of me...
in her genes.. in her blood.. in her DNA...

I watch her grow up from afar..
Searching for me in her eyes.. her smile... her face..

I wonder...
Does John ever wonder about her true family...
The one that sacrificed so much so he could live..
and have the life he loves so much..

Probably not...
Probably never will...

I wonder what kind of mother could raise a child to be so closed up to curiosity about his own life...

I did it!

After 4 and a half weeks of training... I ran a 5K today without stopping and felt really good while doing it.

I have 2 more weeks before the big race and I'm feel strong... stronger than I've felt in a long time.

I may spend the rest of my life alone.. without love...

But.. I can at least channel my energy into running...

I feel good about this.. and that feels good.

Life is so strange... when some things go awry.. other things pick up and help you to cope with the bad things..

A new job.. A new hobby... A renewed sense of energy...

So.. no love in my life???? I guess I can cope...

Happiness???? no... contentment???? yes... lonely???? yes... Hope??? in some things.. not in other things..

Getting used to being alone again.. losing Curtis took it's toll on me.. so much more than I knew...

I really thought he was going to be the person I spent the rest of my life with.. He said the same thing to me.. but it was the wrong time for us.. Too much going on in his life.. and three teenaged girls that take all of our energy.

So.. I feel a victory tonight.. I set a goal.. and I worked and worked and achieved it..

That feels good...

Perfect evening...

One mom...
Two sons...
One daughter...
Two friends....
Great BBQ chicken...
Stimulating Conversation...
Laughter...
Surprises...
Relaxation...
Love...
Serenity...

Just a Day....

Even though it's just another day,
It's a day meant to celebrate something that is an important part of who we are...

Father's Day for you...
Mother's Day for me...

In my heart I am a mother of 4.. yet every year I celebrate as the mother of 3..

In your heart you are "Dad"....
yet every year you celebrate with no one...

It sucks.. It's unfair... and no one will ever be able to say anything to you to make you feel better...

Because the sadness of losing our children will be a part of who we are until the day we die...

It is actually part of our DNA now...

So.. just feel sad... just be miserable... because that is how you feel and no one should ever make you feel bad for feeling that way.

You'll rise up again in a few days/weeks... but for now...

You're just sad....

and I understand...

Forever...

Continued Focus

I continue to focus on my goal of finishing my 5K fun run on July 9th.

Last week I ran/walked.. (but mostly ran) almost 250 minutes. That's about 15 miles. I feel good about that.

For my whole life I've watched people I love cross finish lines.. and now, I'll be crossing one.

Please pray for my knees. They are not liking all this running. But.. they are going to have to get used it.

Summer fun...

This has been the best summer ever so far. So much fun having all three of my kids home with me.. and my yard is looking so great. I had coffee on the patio this morning with my son Nathan. So nice and peaceful. I love not having any demands on my time right now. I have to take Savannah to and from her babysitting jobs, but other than that I'm free and easy right now. That'll change in about a week, but for now.. I'm loving it!