Another October Gone

My 51st October has come and gone. Halloween is tomorrow. Never my favorite day at school. Kids get a little hyper.

But.. I'm always happy to see October leave. November is always a welcomed sight. Three weeks of work.. then a week off to spend with my family. Nathan and Kayla will be here for Thanksgiving. That makes me happy.

This picture was taken last Monday at around 6:45am.. as I was leaving the rec center. The very next day a huge snowstorm blew through the state and took out a lot of trees. I got up at 3am to knock the snow off my two little baby trees... so they survived without any damage. The storm took fall away. But.. it was beautiful while it lasted.

Ahhhhh Freedom...

I found the car for me and am very happy with it. I no longer have to rely on others to get where I need to be.

Not a bad way to spend the day.. this day...

Good Day...

With things being the way they are... they way they will always be...

today being a good day is pretty phenomenal..

My students are amazing.. I'm blessed with them..

My children are wonderful.. I'm three times blessed with them..

tomorrow is Friday..

It'll start with a three mile run.. and then a fun day at school...

Saturday will start with a three mile run.. and then a trip to the auto dealership.. I hope there will be a new car in my driveway by the end of Saturday.. Good way to spend a day that used to be spent wallowing in sorrow...

No more.. no more wallowing...

I'm having good days from now on..

Happy Retirement

Norah Jones - Turn Me On

Norah Jones - Come Away With Me

Grateful...

I'm grateful for so many things in my life...

My beautiful daughter, Savannah. Her energy and light are amazing.

My beautiful son, Vincent... His love and support are evident every day..

My beautiful son, Nathan.. His ability to love and give support to others is inspiring..

My job.. I love teaching... it inspires me...

My home.. It's warm, cozy and comfortable..

My mom.. She's a constant source of love and support..

My sisters.. They are intelligent, funny, strong, and full of life..

My brothers.. They are there if I need them.

My friends.. They are few but wonderful

My past loves... They each taught me unforgettable lessons..

My dog Marti.. Her unconditional love has gotten me through many cold lonely nights..

My son, John.. He's taught me how strong I can be..

My granddaughter, Stella.. Part of me is in her and will live on..

My education.. It's afforded me a life I never could have had without it..

My perseverance.. It always gets me through to the end

My co workers.. An amazing bunch of professionals

The majestic Rocky Mountains.. I get to see them every day

My health.... I run 12 miles a week and feel pretty good these days..

There are so many positive things to focus on in my life... I'm working on focusing on those and letting go of the things i cannot change...

God.. grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

October

October is a mixed bag for me...

On one hand it's the beginning of my favorite season..

On the other hand it's the birthday of my son, whom I have no relationship with.. Whom I deserve no relationship with...

I gave up my rights to him 31 years ago. I gave him to another mother.. and that was that.. I was no longer part of his life. He doesn't need me..want me.. or even gives me a second thought..

I, on the other hand.. think of him nonstop during October.. I fight a depression every October.. I wake up everyday and make myself get up and go through the motion of my day.. I smile and put on the front that is expected of me... and then at night I close the bedroom door.. and cry... and cry... and cry.. Tears for a life I lost.. tears for the me that was lost and the person that was put in her place. The half person that I am.. I live a half of a life..

Which is why I'm alone.. which is why people I love turn away... which is why I have no earthly idea how to maintain any relationship in my life...

Life goes on.. and it keeps going on without me. I try to be a whole person.. but fail constantly... because 31 years ago, I gave away a huge part of who I am... and I did what I needed to do to survive... but.. just surviving isn't working for me any longer..

October.... a dark month... it's not even half over... and I'm feeling like I am drowning.. and I'm calling out, but no one hears me..

Help...