October

October is a mixed bag for me...

On one hand it's the beginning of my favorite season..

On the other hand it's the birthday of my son, whom I have no relationship with.. Whom I deserve no relationship with...

I gave up my rights to him 31 years ago. I gave him to another mother.. and that was that.. I was no longer part of his life. He doesn't need me..want me.. or even gives me a second thought..

I, on the other hand.. think of him nonstop during October.. I fight a depression every October.. I wake up everyday and make myself get up and go through the motion of my day.. I smile and put on the front that is expected of me... and then at night I close the bedroom door.. and cry... and cry... and cry.. Tears for a life I lost.. tears for the me that was lost and the person that was put in her place. The half person that I am.. I live a half of a life..

Which is why I'm alone.. which is why people I love turn away... which is why I have no earthly idea how to maintain any relationship in my life...

Life goes on.. and it keeps going on without me. I try to be a whole person.. but fail constantly... because 31 years ago, I gave away a huge part of who I am... and I did what I needed to do to survive... but.. just surviving isn't working for me any longer..

October.... a dark month... it's not even half over... and I'm feeling like I am drowning.. and I'm calling out, but no one hears me..

Help...