An exhausting Tuesday..... almost done....

I'm tired.. I'm exhausted... I'm running on my last ounce of energy....

I took too much on this year. I thought if I was busy, I wouldn't miss Curtis so much...

But guess what.. I miss Curtis.. so much...

I do keep my mind busy enough to keep thoughts of him as bay... and then something will happy to thrust him to the forefront of my mind... and then I feel sad.. so sad...

And then... today.... he texted me.. to tell me how miserable he is.. and still how busy he is.. I'm miserable without him.. he's miserable without me... and yet.. apart is how we have to be.

Because the truth of the matter is that neither of us is in a place where another heart can enter the picture. He has school.. work.. the girls... the girls... the girls.... and I have 2 schools, 2 committees, 1 summer school.. and Savannah... Savannah... Savannah...

He lives for others.. I live for others... and one day the "others" will be gone.. and he'll be alone and I'll be alone.. and that's just depressing.

So.. This exhausting Tuesday is over. I'm going to bed.. alone.. alone... alone... so .. alone..

What's even more exhausting than working yourself to the bone.. is surviving a terrible loneliness that has no end in sight.. It's exhausting to be alone.. and lonely...

Good night Tuesday.. Hello empty bed... See you tomorrow Wednesday.... which is really Tuesday in disguise.. Tuesday was just lonely Monday in disguise.. and so on and so on and so on....

They all look and feel the same.. and I remain unloved.....

good night...

Summer School

Tonight was my first summer school meeting. Same old stuff really with the exception of a new site for me. I won't be at Indian Peaks Elementary like in the past. I'll be at Sunset Middle School. Now this change doesn't bother me.. with one tiny little exception. How are my little baby kindergartners, 1st graders and 2nd graders going to sit in those great big middle school chairs? This will be very weird.

Other than that and none of my teachers from last year with the exception of one returning.. I'm good to go. Bring it on!! :)

Easter Morning

When I was a kid.. I couldn't wait for Easter morning for so many reasons..

Of course.. there was going to be an Easter basket filled with jelly beans and a cute stuffed animal. There was always an Easter egg hunt... and.. I always got a brand new dress to wear to Easter mass. My mom loved Easter, so she really did it up right.

I was always fascinated with the Resurrection story. One year.. not too many years ago.. I went to a church service where the story of Jesus' Crucifixion and Resurrection was depicted and it was amazing. I really felt the spirit of Jesus in that moment and it was so humbling.

He lived his life in a way that we all should. Loving the unlovable... Reaching out to the people who live on the outside of society... and accepting everyone and loving them...

The judgemental way in which some people act in His name is shameful.

Let's all remember that He loved us all.. for better or worse...

Other People's Business

Every time I hear someone talk about the choices other's make for their lives and condemning them and judging them, I wonder... Why? Why is it their concern or business?

If a human being feels that loving someone of the same sex rather than the opposite sex is what feels right for them, what in the world does that have to do with anyone else? And if those two people would like to get married.. have a wedding to celebrate their love... Why is that the business of anyone else? When they want to share their love and lives with a child.. why is it they have judgment and shame thrown upon them?

I had a heterosexual father... and he sucked.. I see my gay friends raising their children and I'm jealous of their children. They are loving fathers.. involved in the lives of their children.. and understand that it is their job to protect and love no matter what.

My father sent my one birthday card in my entire life... it was on my 19th birthday... and the reason he remembered this birthday was because he wasn't going to have to pay my mother child support any longer... Sweet.. huh?

Who you chose to sleep with isn't what makes you a good or bad candidate for the role of parent... what makes you a good candidate for parenthood is commitment to your child and an unwavering love...

Beautiful Spring Winter

April 23, 2011.... I woke up to snow on the ground.

This is one of the many reasons I love living in Colorado.

Spring makes a very deceptive appearance..... It shows up.. then it goes back into hiding...

By this afternoon, we could have sunny skies and people will be out playing golf or tennis....

We need the moisture..... so many wild fires. ... so much destruction...

So... waking up to the peaceful snow on this quiet April Saturday was a much welcomed sight.

Ahhhhh.... Peace to all....

25,23,14

Three beautiful Children... My Children...

They have filled my life with so much joy and pride...

And now they all just turned another year older...

Vince.. 25... young, strong, handsome. He's the one that will always make sure that I'm ok. He lets his head lead over his heart so much. He wants things to be perfect before he jumps into anything. He eventually realizes that things will never be perfect.. but he keeps expecting perfection.. I love that about him..

Nathan.. 23 .. young, strong, handsome. He's the impulsive one.. He'll do what feels right because he leads with his heart. Reason will always follow his heart. That's why he's getting married this summer... Way before he's really ready to do so.. but.. his heart says that it's time to marry her. He believes that imperfection is perfection.. I love that about him.

Savannah... young, strong willed and beautiful. She thinks only of the moment.. because that is what 14 year olds do. I always tell her that it's okay because I'm holding her future with me.. and when I see her doing something that might jeopardize her future... I help her fix it, avoid it, and understand how and why it isn't a good idea. She thinks she's invincible.. I love that about her.

My life has been enriched so much by these three incredible people. I love that about them.

Recovery

Entering into some manner of recovery is inevitable for everyone.. I think....

I've seen everyone I know recover from one thing or another...

Everyone has their demons... battles... addictions... health problems... and mishaps along the road of life..

Life rarely takes us where we thought we were going. It always gives us the occational bump or bruise along the way and it's up to us to "recover" or not. I've known a few who have finally said.. Forget it!! I'm done!! and they give into the darkness and sink in for the long haul. I have to say I understand the desire to do that sometimes. The darkness can be tempting.. because you are alone there... and the fight is over.

It's always the same thing with everyone that gets them into and through recovery... LOVE... Love is a powerful thing.. a wonderous thing.. a thing we all want.

A loved one will nurse us through a difficult surgery and assure us that it will get better... A loved one will let you know that you're in danger of losing everything.. and get you into recovery.. a loved one will hold your hand when you are just sure you don't have another meeting, appointment, session in you.. and tell you that you do... and guess what???? You do.

Be it a recovery from a surgery... an addiction.. a loss... love is what will get us through everytime..

And you are loved.... very much...