Silence

How can something so noiseless
be so loud
His silence is deafening to my heart.
It's like a trumpet blairing in my ear
like a runaway train barreling through my heart.

How can I be hopeful in his silences
How can I not question my actions
or lack there of... did I? did I not?
should I have said that? this?
Not said that? this?
What did I do?
Will his silence end with
goodbye????

In his silences I remember...
the pain of loving.. of losing..
and I want to retreat back into
my solitude...
How could I have been so careless??
has my heart mended so completely
that I forgot to remember the pain?
other faces come back into focus..
and they mock me..
you thought you might be worthy of love..
they chide..
think again.. remember me.. I tell you the truth..
you are a failure in this dangerous arena...
You lose every time.. How could you forget?
I'll help you recall all that is wrong with the escence..
of you

Stupid.. idiot..
love.. that is for others.. not you..
not me...
He figured it out... his silence tells me..
He's laughing... He's taunting...
Thanks for sharing the deepest part of
you
with
me
but.. now I no longer desire
the hideous thing that is
you

silence is screaming in my face...
Go away... leave me alone....
crawl back under the covers..
shrivel up and die...

Silence...

Where to Begin

My life has taken a lot twists and turns.. and every now and again I'll meet a "black or white" kind of person.. someone without the ability to see all the beautiful gray areas where life truly happens.

I love the twists and turns my life has taken. I love that there are so many, many gray areas in my life. Some of the gray is disguised as misery.. but when you look deep into that gray you'll find a lesson learned, or a "oh my God.. I'll never do that again" moment.

Then there are those gray areas that bring sweetness and light into your life. Like the birth of a child or the vows shared between two lovers.

I'm in a gray place with my new "friend"... is he a friend? .. is he more? There is no black or white here. Just two people who've been bitten my love.. and not in a good way. We've both learned valuable lessons from those hard relationships.. where one person was always trying to hurt the other one. And now.. here we are... him.. me.. us?.. maybe.. maybe not. a few tentative kisses.. each getting more passionate than the last.. yet.. not willing to go further yet.. not willing to say.. yes!!! let's!!!! No.. just 2 steps forward.. then 1 step back.

A dance if you will.. a dance of "can I trust him? can he trust me?" Sometimes we say yes.. and sometimes we say.. maybe not. But no one has said NO! yet.... That's a good thing.

So.. here I lie in my gray areas.. between the lines areas... not sure what will happen next areas... and loving every minute of it.