On Being Thankful..

It's easy to be thankful when life is going your way..

Like when all your kids are happy and healthy and in good places..

Or when you and your significant other are in love and at the top of the relationship mountain...

It's when things are not going so well that thankfulness is harder.

Like when your son is laid off and having to find a job in this tough economy..

and your other son is so far away on Thanksgiving..

and your daughter is trying to grow up too fast...

and your significant other is going through difficult times..

But here's the thing....

Vince is laid off... but I'm thankful for the time I've been getting to spend with him..

Nathan is far away... on the other side of Colorado.. but I'm thankful for his future in-laws and how much they love him.. and care for him.. And I've got a new daughter-in-law to be.. who is sweet and loving and loves my son with all her heart...

Savannah is trying to grow up too fast... but I'm thankful she and I have been able to come to a place where we respect each other and love each other for exactly who we are in this moment in time.. And she's happy and healthy and smart.. not too much more you could ask for there..

And Curtis.. is suffering right now.. trying to make sense of all the changes going on in his life.. But I'm thankful for him... and all the love he's given me this past year.. I'm thankful for the gift of time.. and patience..

So... life takes many twists and turns.. it gives and it takes... It hurts sometimes..and feels great other times.. but it's always surprising...

I'm thankful for all that life has given me.. and for the things it's taken away.. because if I'd never lost those things, I wouldn't be able to appreciate the great love in my life right now.

I wish all my friends and family a happy Thanksgiving.... and I wish them love and health.

busy, busy, busy

Teaching, learning, interviewing, tutoring... it's all happening at once and keeping me so busy. I love it, but am looking forward to my week off next week. I will having Thanksgiving dinner at my house with my mom, my sister and her family and my son, his girlfriend and Savannah. It should be a good time.

Mostly I'm looking forward to taking time to relax, read, and play a little tennis with my son, if the weather holds out. It's been chilly, but dry today... and tomorrow is supposed to be the same. I have tomorrow off to go to a doctor's appt, so maybe we can play a few games before my appt.

I've been participating in a research study for some new psoriasis medication ... and it's working. my skin is clearing up and I feel so much better about my skin. It feels so soft now and I'm not so self conscience about my skin.

I've been taking an I-Movie class and having a blast with it. I can create great movies with my students to help them with their learning.. plus to have some fun.

Off to bed.. maybe a bubble bath first.. that sounds relaxing. Sweet dreams to me...

Refreshed and relaxed...

Glenwood Springs was amazing.. relaxing.. just want I needed.. Curtis was an amazing traveling companion. We laughed.. loved.. relaxed.. and just enjoyed being with each other.

On Friday when we arrived, we checked into the cutest little hotel room.. relaxed in the room for a while then went and got a delicious mexican dinner. We walked around Glenwood for a while after, then went to the Hot Springs.. Ahhhhhhh it was amazing. The natural temperature of the water was 104 degrees while the air temperature was around 50 degrees. It was perfect. After spending about 3 hours in the water, we took our pruny selves back to the hotel and enjoyed a wonderful evening of just us.... and all that entails. ;)

On Saturday we slept in and then had breakfast in the hotel. It was pretty good for a hotel breakfast. Then we did some sight seeing and shopping. I got Savannah a cute little sculpture of a purple dragon and a beanie baby wiener dog. Curtis got his girls some pretty necklaces and a couple of sculptures also. Then we had a wonderful lunch outside on a pretty little patio. The food was delicious and the company was even better. After lunch we walked back to the hotel and got our jackets and rode the tram up to the top of the mountain. We saw beautiful views of the canyon and lots of people just having a good time.

We were going to go back to the pool Saturday evening, but ended up just staying in and enjoying each other. We watched a movie. It was so nice not having an agenda. Sunday morning, we slept in, packed up and had a great breakfast at a little German restaurant. Then had a beautiful drive back down the mountains.

It was so great to have Curtis to myself for an entire weekend. No teenaged girls... just us. Next time we go, we're taking the girls. But... this weekend was just for us.

My tree is beginning to change.. and it looks beautiful. Fall is in the air and although I'm feeling sad about John and all of that crap... I'm feeling good too, because fall is my favorite time of year. This year the weather has stayed so warm, that I wondered if we'd have a fall at all. But, in just the past few days, the colors began peaking out of the trees and bushes. This makes me feel better.. and also being able to take nice hat baths is nice too. In the hot summer months, baths are not so great.. I'm looking forward to soaking in a hot bubble bath tonight.

Happy fall... Welcome cool weather... Stick around for a while and keep that freezing cold weather at bay.

October

October 22nd... here it comes again.. and once again.. I'm caught off guard by the deep sadness and feelings of loss..

The worst part is that there isn't anything to do with these feelings.. Just be sad.. just feel empty.. Just feel like I don't want to be around anyone.. even Curtis..

Curtis is being understanding.. it's the first time he's had to deal with this "me".. It's such a different me. I'm usually so positive and "the glass is half full" kind of girl.. but right now, I just want to crawl inside myself and be alone.

I hope that when we are in Glenwood Springs, I can let this go and enjoy him and our time together.

But.. all I can think about is will this be the year that John thinks about me on his birthday..

and.. I get angry. I want to scream at him and his adoptive mom and tell them what ungrateful assholes they are. I gave birth to him.. I gave him to you.. and you never even say thank you.. I know that all of this is unreasonable.. but it's in me and it eats at me... and I'm just so sad..

So... I know that there are some out there that find pleasure in hurting me.. by letting me know how perfect everything is in their perfect lives.. and as happy as I am for them.. in October... it just feels like a slap in the face.. or a punch in the gut.. but as long as they found pleasure in the process of inflicting the pain.. then I guess it's all ok... and in November.. I'll be fine with the perfect life.. Mine might feel perfect by then too...

but for right now... I hope you choke on your champagne in your fucking hot tub...

Savannah and Vince

So... My beautiful daughter is trying to grow up too fast. She has a boyfriend.. who I like ok.. but she's too young and I'm trying to do a balancing act with them. Let her spend some time with him, while keeping boundaries around it... Right now she's grounded because she's having trouble honoring those boundaries..

Vince... got laid off from his job. It's so frustrating for him.. he's only 24 and already been through 2 jobs.. it's been a frustrating couple of years for him. I know he'll be moving to Houston to be close to his girlfriend now. The selfish me doesn't want him to go.. but the sensible me knows it's the best thing.

It's hard being a mom.. that's all I have to say about that.. (in my best Forrest Gump voice)

Stella Nicole

My little granddaughter is 7 months old today. I'm hopeful that I'll get to meet her one day along with her father. She looks so sweet.. and I long to hold her and kiss those perfect cheeks!