Monday, Monday..

is over over...

17 more days of school... then I say goodbye to Columbine Elementary School.. where I've spent the last 7 years of my teaching career. I will miss certain people dearly... and others I can say goodbye to with zeal... Some of the most miserable people I've ever met work at that school... and they seem intent on spreading their misery like a wild fire through the school...

Even so... one of my best friends works at that school.. Jamie... and I have to say goodbye to her.. even though since she had Isabella, we've drifted apart a little.. still... she's my Jamie and I'm not sure how it will be to go to school every day and not see her.

Then there's Eddie... the best principal I've ever worked with. He's funny and good at his job. Now there will be Cyrus.. my new principal. He's intense.. but compassionate as well. I think he's going to be good to work with..

A brand new school.. Red Hawk Elementary.. I'll be the first and only teacher to ever teach in my classroom.. I'll have some of the best technology at my finger tips. It's a green star school.. so it's better for the environment.

It's new and I'm a little scared that I won't do well... that I'll find that I'm only a good teacher in Title schools.. that I can only teach children from poverty stricken areas.. Kids from well to do areas might not be someone I can I can't teach... who knows..

but.. it's time to move on and spread my wings and challenge myself..

Back to Work

You'll be great...
You've been missed...

Lucky them.. to have you back...

Take it slow... Take it easy...

smile that smile...
work that magic...

You'll be great..
You've been missed...

Why.....

I've always been able to pick myself up...
Dust myself off...
and forge ahead....

Not this time..

I wake up... and I wonder..
Why???
Why get out of bed?
What exactly is it that is worth
the EFFORT..... so much EFFORT....

I finally do get up...
and go downstairs to make coffee..
I turn on the news...
and I wonder..
Why???
Why is everything so bad out there?
Why do people treat one another they way they do?

Then I go to work.. and walk into my classroom..
It's usually the one place I can answer the question.. Why?
But these past few months.. it's not so clear.
Too many behavior and parent issues..
Too many times when I'm not who I want to be..
Who I used to be..

I look in the mirror..
and wonder..
Why???
Why would anyone love me??
It's clear that I have nothing to offer anyone...
Just old.. ugly... fat... me...
Not such a great thing..

Not picking myself up this time.
Wanting to throw in the towel..
Wanting to give it all up...

Why????

Norah Jones.. I Wouldn't Need You

I love this song.... It makes me sad... and happy all at the same time....

Because.. I can remember your touch...

The Past

When the future is unsure... or dreaded...

The past is a fine refuge..

fifty years of... Once upon a times...

gives me moments to fall back into....

I fall back into a wooded path...

A cozy cabin...

Naked moments of ecstasy...

Being pulled from reality

into a magical land of fantasy..

Yes... when those Once Upon a Time

moments come to me...

I close my eyes and remember..

Him....

Love... Lust... Romance... Pain...

All come to my mind

and I smile..

and then I open my eyes...

And my Once Upon a time

is once again...

Hear and Now...

And I can move forward..

But he will always live

in my heart... in my soul...

and.. yes... I can smile...

An exhausting Tuesday..... almost done....

I'm tired.. I'm exhausted... I'm running on my last ounce of energy....

I took too much on this year. I thought if I was busy, I wouldn't miss Curtis so much...

But guess what.. I miss Curtis.. so much...

I do keep my mind busy enough to keep thoughts of him as bay... and then something will happy to thrust him to the forefront of my mind... and then I feel sad.. so sad...

And then... today.... he texted me.. to tell me how miserable he is.. and still how busy he is.. I'm miserable without him.. he's miserable without me... and yet.. apart is how we have to be.

Because the truth of the matter is that neither of us is in a place where another heart can enter the picture. He has school.. work.. the girls... the girls... the girls.... and I have 2 schools, 2 committees, 1 summer school.. and Savannah... Savannah... Savannah...

He lives for others.. I live for others... and one day the "others" will be gone.. and he'll be alone and I'll be alone.. and that's just depressing.

So.. This exhausting Tuesday is over. I'm going to bed.. alone.. alone... alone... so .. alone..

What's even more exhausting than working yourself to the bone.. is surviving a terrible loneliness that has no end in sight.. It's exhausting to be alone.. and lonely...

Good night Tuesday.. Hello empty bed... See you tomorrow Wednesday.... which is really Tuesday in disguise.. Tuesday was just lonely Monday in disguise.. and so on and so on and so on....

They all look and feel the same.. and I remain unloved.....

good night...

Summer School

Tonight was my first summer school meeting. Same old stuff really with the exception of a new site for me. I won't be at Indian Peaks Elementary like in the past. I'll be at Sunset Middle School. Now this change doesn't bother me.. with one tiny little exception. How are my little baby kindergartners, 1st graders and 2nd graders going to sit in those great big middle school chairs? This will be very weird.

Other than that and none of my teachers from last year with the exception of one returning.. I'm good to go. Bring it on!! :)