Spring Break

It's finally here... Spring.. with Spring break looming a mere 5 hours away. It is always a blessed event to have this break away from the kids and the school.

This year I'll be doing a lot of Spring cleaning. My house and my yard are in dire need. I will also be finding time to have a little fun. Maybe a quick road trip with Mark to the Garden of the Gods in Manitou Springs. If not Spring Break, then the first weekend of the summer break.

I will also be be going to see The Hunger Games. I am so excited to see this amazing story come to life on the big screen. What an amazing story it is!

Tonight I will be at Oskar Blues listening to a wonderful band with Mark. I'm really looking forward to that. It'll be a wonderful end to a long week of state testing.

Happy spring!

Living without fear...

It could be that one day the joy will end.. and the mundane will once again enter my life. The fear that this could happen could enter my conscious and allow me to question the saneness of giving my heart to this wonderful man.

Now.. I refuse to let that happen. I refuse..

So.. right now I am fearless. I am living for each moment. Loving each moment.. feeling each moment intensely. If it should all disappear for whatever reason, I'll know that I put all of me into it.. the real me.. the authentic me

The me that doesn't keep a neat house.. that doesn't have a perfect body.. the me that knows how to touch him and kiss him and make love to him in the ways that bring him to ecstasy.... The me that needs to feel his warm body next to me each night.. and each morning waking to his touch...

I'm no longer afraid to be "Everyone's Next One" because I'd rather have a life of love and amazing moments than years and years of mundane indifference.

New Chapter... Good Chapter...

I'm going to name this new Chapter in my life, Magic Mark...

The beginning of the chapter has been phenomenal... My life has been turned 180 degrees... from lonely weekends to weekends filled with laughter.. touching.. loving.. kissing.. (oh.. the kissing) and incredible conversation.. I've never in my life felt so in tuned with another human being.. he seems to sense what I need and want.. and does not hesitate to act upon it. and I can sense what he needs and wants as well.

I find myself wanting to be as close as possible to him.. like I want to crawl inside him and stay there forever. His heart.. his heart... I love his heart. I love to listen to it beat.. strong and true.. like it's beating just for me.

When I'm in his arms.. if feel safe and nurtured and cared for in a way that I've never known. I want to be the same for him.

Good chapter... good chapter...

Ahhhhhh....

one satisfying weekend.. filled with love and nurturing and touching..

Living in the moment.. savoring every moment..

All we have is this moment... the past is past.. the future isn't ours yet.. Only the moment.

And every moment becomes a heightened experience.. because you are completely 100 percent there.. in the moment. Not wondering what's going to happen next. Not thinking.. If I do this... then????? Just completely lost in the moment of his eyes.. his lips... his voice... his hands... his love... and it's the perfect place to be. A safe and comfortable place to be... wrapped up in the moment of him...

Mark....

This one felt right...

This one fit just right...

This one could be fun...

Mark...

Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Eva Cassidy.

This brought tears to my eyes. She is gone now, but her beautiful voice is forever...

I'm Sorry...

Sorry...
It seems like such a simple word in theory.

Not so simple in reality though.

It's not so hard to say... in theory..

In reality however.... it can be impossible to utter..

I'm sorry... Can be a powerful phrase.. allowing the healing, the forgiveness, and the future to continue on.

I continually wait to hear these two words.. so I can believe it is safe to forgive and move on.

He'll never say them though.. because he doesn't believe or know he has hurt me.

So.. I continue to wait and know that my hurt is my own.. no one else's.. mine alone..

LIving with the knowledge that I just don't matter that much.... hurts.