Goodbye 2012

For once I can honestly say that I'm not relieved to see a year end. In the past, I've always thought, "Next year will be better.. I'll meet someone that I can love and feel love back in return." Or, "Life will get easier" But this year, 2012, was a year I will cherish forever. I met that love of my life. My beautiful little granddaughter was born. My life did get easier. It was a great year. The best year I can ever remember. 2013 will be great as well I'm sure. but.. I'm sad to see 2012 slip away. My hope for every person on this planet is that we find peace and goodwill. That we treat one another with love and respect. That we put aside our differences and pay more attention to our samenesses. So much sadness gets spread around through violence and misunderstandings. There are many parents this New Year's Eve that are doing anything but celebrating. They are mourning the loss of their precious children. Whether it be through war, or the actions of a sick and twisted person with access to a gun... their lives will be forever scarred. I pray for them. I cry for them. I get angry with them that so many people in this country believe that guns are what will keep us free. Love is what will keep us free. Love and understanding and acceptance. So, Happy New Year. May all your dreams come true. May you find contentment in all that you have and not worry so much about the "pursuit of happiness".. Look around you and count your blessings and thank your God for all the abundance in your life. I know that I will be doing that here in my cozy little home surrounded by the people that I love and love me. May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Acceptance

I was thinking the other day about acceptance and how really... that is all we want in our lives. We want others to see us and accept us just the way we are. Of course, we know this is rarely the case. In fact, many of us don't even accept ourselves they way we are. Many times we are more critical of ourselves than others are about us. I have noticed that even when I know I'm being accepted for me.. and only me.. I still question it. I still wonder if I were prettier, skinnier, smarter, more successful would they accept me even more? I'm never going to be smarter, prettier, skinnier or more successful.. I'm always going to be me. Loving and accepting means that I'm good enough. So.. I guess each day we have to look in the mirror and love what we see.. and love what's on the inside.. despite the things we wish we could change. Acceptance... Something to strive for...

Lonely Friday Night

It's been a while since I've been by myself on a Friday night. Mark is always playing with his band on Fridays and I'm usually right there listening to them.. and dancing, and looking at his sexy self. Tonight I just didn't have the funds or energy to go out. Spent the evening catching up on some tv shows I haven't followed in a while. TV used to be my best friend. Spent a lot of time with it. Now.. Mark is my best friend and TV has gone by the wayside. Well.. except for Dexter. Mark and I love to watch Dexter together. I'm going to bed.. I'll be waiting for Mark to snuggle on up to me when he gets home.. Snuggling with him is what I live for. It always ends my day perfectly. Ahhhh... love. I've always thought that I'd been in love before.. Now I know what love truly feels like.. It feels safe and warm and comfortable and real. Good night... I'm tired...

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Another beautiful Fall in Colorado's Rocky Mountain National Park. Mark and I spent a beautiful day filled with sunshine, laughter and happiness out in the gorgeous golden national park. It was good for my soul to be amongst the beauty of nature and to have the love of my life there with me. It was a day I'll never forget. Fall is my favorite time of the year. Mark is my favorite person of all time.. It doesn't get any better than this..

Regrets... Revenge... Reactive

The three R's.. I know, it used to be Reading Writing, and Arithmetic.. although two of those things don't even begin with the letter R. I have regrets in my life.. although some of those experiences taught me valuable lessons and others drastically altered the path of my life. So, in retrospect (ahh, another R Word) I wouldn't change them. I guess what I need to change is my feelings about being regretful. I have at times wanted revenge on some people who have, in my mind, wronged me in some way. I may have even gotten revenge. Some might say that this blog is revenge.. maybe it is. But.. it's also my real and honest thoughts of my life.. who choses to read it is not my problem I guess. Reactive.. yes.. I have been overly reactive in my life at times. I've lashed out when I thought someone was hurting me or the ones I love and then had to backtrack and apologize for overreacting. I don't think being reactive is such a negative thing most of the time. I know I've jumped in with both feet at times into things I wasn't really ready for, but in the end, I had an ok experience. So... Epic or not.. my reactions, revenges, and regrets are mine and mine alone. I have no one to blame for anything in my life but myself. I never stayed with someone because I thought I should. Some call that honorable.. I call it foolish. I never dreamed of pushing someone off a cliff and watching them die just because I didn't like the way they made me feel.. Sometimes the way they made me feel was correct and I just didn't want to acknowledge that. My life has been filled with my choices and my consequences and I happily and honestly accept all of them. I love where my life is right now... I love that I found the love of my life at this time in my life. I love that I've known love before.. albeit for a short time, but love none the less. I certainly don't wish ill will on any of my past loves... ok.. maybe John.. but only him.. And really.. he's so far in my past that I rarely think of him any longer. I certainly don't wish death on any of them. My life with Mark feels peaceful and purposeful. He and I share.. really share all that we are. No regrets, revenge, or reacting here... Just honestly acknowledging my past and taking responsibility for it all... Epic or not...

At the top of Pike's Peak with Mark. What a great vacation with Mark in Manitou Springs. A Cog Rail train ride up to 14,510 ft up in the air. A 181 vertical climb up 224 stairs to see the Seven Falls waterfalls, and a walk around the Garden of the Gods. What an amazing adventure... so much fun!

Mrs. Williams?

Tonight as Mark and I were enjoying an evening of good food and music, the waitress brought our check to us and said, "Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Williams. Come see us again!" I was surprised at how that made me feel. Mrs. Williams. We laughed it off.. later in bed, Mark asked me how that made me feel. I told him that it honestly made me feel good. I liked the sound of it. Mark has made it clear that marriage is never going to happen for us, but tonight I sensed a shift in that feeling from him and I definitely felt a shift in my feelings about it as well. Mrs. Williams. hmmmm.. nice ring to it..