Goodbye 2012

For once I can honestly say that I'm not relieved to see a year end. In the past, I've always thought, "Next year will be better.. I'll meet someone that I can love and feel love back in return." Or, "Life will get easier" But this year, 2012, was a year I will cherish forever. I met that love of my life. My beautiful little granddaughter was born. My life did get easier. It was a great year. The best year I can ever remember. 2013 will be great as well I'm sure. but.. I'm sad to see 2012 slip away. My hope for every person on this planet is that we find peace and goodwill. That we treat one another with love and respect. That we put aside our differences and pay more attention to our samenesses. So much sadness gets spread around through violence and misunderstandings. There are many parents this New Year's Eve that are doing anything but celebrating. They are mourning the loss of their precious children. Whether it be through war, or the actions of a sick and twisted person with access to a gun... their lives will be forever scarred. I pray for them. I cry for them. I get angry with them that so many people in this country believe that guns are what will keep us free. Love is what will keep us free. Love and understanding and acceptance. So, Happy New Year. May all your dreams come true. May you find contentment in all that you have and not worry so much about the "pursuit of happiness".. Look around you and count your blessings and thank your God for all the abundance in your life. I know that I will be doing that here in my cozy little home surrounded by the people that I love and love me. May the road rise up to meet you. May the wind always be at your back. May the sun shine warm upon your face, and rains fall soft upon your fields. And until we meet again, May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

Acceptance

I was thinking the other day about acceptance and how really... that is all we want in our lives. We want others to see us and accept us just the way we are. Of course, we know this is rarely the case. In fact, many of us don't even accept ourselves they way we are. Many times we are more critical of ourselves than others are about us. I have noticed that even when I know I'm being accepted for me.. and only me.. I still question it. I still wonder if I were prettier, skinnier, smarter, more successful would they accept me even more? I'm never going to be smarter, prettier, skinnier or more successful.. I'm always going to be me. Loving and accepting means that I'm good enough. So.. I guess each day we have to look in the mirror and love what we see.. and love what's on the inside.. despite the things we wish we could change. Acceptance... Something to strive for...

Lonely Friday Night

It's been a while since I've been by myself on a Friday night. Mark is always playing with his band on Fridays and I'm usually right there listening to them.. and dancing, and looking at his sexy self. Tonight I just didn't have the funds or energy to go out. Spent the evening catching up on some tv shows I haven't followed in a while. TV used to be my best friend. Spent a lot of time with it. Now.. Mark is my best friend and TV has gone by the wayside. Well.. except for Dexter. Mark and I love to watch Dexter together. I'm going to bed.. I'll be waiting for Mark to snuggle on up to me when he gets home.. Snuggling with him is what I live for. It always ends my day perfectly. Ahhhh... love. I've always thought that I'd been in love before.. Now I know what love truly feels like.. It feels safe and warm and comfortable and real. Good night... I'm tired...

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Another beautiful Fall in Colorado's Rocky Mountain National Park. Mark and I spent a beautiful day filled with sunshine, laughter and happiness out in the gorgeous golden national park. It was good for my soul to be amongst the beauty of nature and to have the love of my life there with me. It was a day I'll never forget. Fall is my favorite time of the year. Mark is my favorite person of all time.. It doesn't get any better than this..

Regrets... Revenge... Reactive

The three R's.. I know, it used to be Reading Writing, and Arithmetic.. although two of those things don't even begin with the letter R. I have regrets in my life.. although some of those experiences taught me valuable lessons and others drastically altered the path of my life. So, in retrospect (ahh, another R Word) I wouldn't change them. I guess what I need to change is my feelings about being regretful. I have at times wanted revenge on some people who have, in my mind, wronged me in some way. I may have even gotten revenge. Some might say that this blog is revenge.. maybe it is. But.. it's also my real and honest thoughts of my life.. who choses to read it is not my problem I guess. Reactive.. yes.. I have been overly reactive in my life at times. I've lashed out when I thought someone was hurting me or the ones I love and then had to backtrack and apologize for overreacting. I don't think being reactive is such a negative thing most of the time. I know I've jumped in with both feet at times into things I wasn't really ready for, but in the end, I had an ok experience. So... Epic or not.. my reactions, revenges, and regrets are mine and mine alone. I have no one to blame for anything in my life but myself. I never stayed with someone because I thought I should. Some call that honorable.. I call it foolish. I never dreamed of pushing someone off a cliff and watching them die just because I didn't like the way they made me feel.. Sometimes the way they made me feel was correct and I just didn't want to acknowledge that. My life has been filled with my choices and my consequences and I happily and honestly accept all of them. I love where my life is right now... I love that I found the love of my life at this time in my life. I love that I've known love before.. albeit for a short time, but love none the less. I certainly don't wish ill will on any of my past loves... ok.. maybe John.. but only him.. And really.. he's so far in my past that I rarely think of him any longer. I certainly don't wish death on any of them. My life with Mark feels peaceful and purposeful. He and I share.. really share all that we are. No regrets, revenge, or reacting here... Just honestly acknowledging my past and taking responsibility for it all... Epic or not...

At the top of Pike's Peak with Mark. What a great vacation with Mark in Manitou Springs. A Cog Rail train ride up to 14,510 ft up in the air. A 181 vertical climb up 224 stairs to see the Seven Falls waterfalls, and a walk around the Garden of the Gods. What an amazing adventure... so much fun!

Mrs. Williams?

Tonight as Mark and I were enjoying an evening of good food and music, the waitress brought our check to us and said, "Thank you Mr. and Mrs. Williams. Come see us again!" I was surprised at how that made me feel. Mrs. Williams. We laughed it off.. later in bed, Mark asked me how that made me feel. I told him that it honestly made me feel good. I liked the sound of it. Mark has made it clear that marriage is never going to happen for us, but tonight I sensed a shift in that feeling from him and I definitely felt a shift in my feelings about it as well. Mrs. Williams. hmmmm.. nice ring to it..

Happy Birthday My Love

What an amazing day with Mark on his birthday. We went for a motorcycle ride.. saw some interesting sculptures, had a romantic dinner, and snuggled up on the couch and watched a movie... Big day.. Beautiful day. Happy Birthday to an amazing man... the most amazing man I've ever known. I love you!

Nadira Lynn Dorzweiler

Yesterday I held my very first grandchild in my arms. My little Nadira is so precious and I feel so blessed to have her in my life. I can't believe how much I love her. Being a grandma is a wonderful thing. I'm grateful to my son and his wife for letting me be such a big part of her birth. I love my little Nadira... so much.

Father's Day

Such a beautiful Father's Day up in Estes Park. Listening to Mark's band.. and enjoying the scenery. Beautiful day! I reflected a lot on how blessed I've been in the past 5 months. Mark is the greatest surprise I've ever had in my life. I'm loving living with him.. It's so great to fall asleep with him every night and wake up with him every morning. It's such a peaceful and secure feeling. I've never felt peaceful nor secure in any of my relationships.. but this one is solid... I'm in a place in my life where I can let him him in fully and he's the kind of person you can trust. I love him.. so much. He's so beautiful to watch...

Where I'm From

I am from a desk, From Stickin' Lincoln and noisy playgrounds. I am from the cellar, dark, musty and frightening. I am from the mighty oak, my horse, my swing, my playground. I am from the hidden pig and bumpy noses. From Ruby and Harry and Sharon. I am from laughter and dancing. From "Speak up!" and "Not now!" I am from Sunday Mass and First communions. I'm from Isles of Green, corned beef and cabbage. From Grandpa "naked guy", smelling like Hally Berry, and Frankenstein Monster freak outs. I am from the smiling walls, a memory on every surface reminding me of times gone by and rainbows of love.

Moving Ahead

As I move through this life of mine, I'm learning more and more how to let go of the past, embrace the present, and let the future take care of itself. Once in a while I still want to try and control the future... and get into a mindset that takes away from the moment at hand. I've been experiencing some beautiful moments in my life. I have a daughter and 2 sons who take my breath away. I have this adorable little puppy that makes me smile and lets me snuggle with her.. And.. I have Mark. Mark.. He's been such a surprise in my life. He's away this week working. I can chose to dread these weeks when he's gone, or I can chose to embrace the opportunities to miss him. Missing someone is powerful. Each day that he's gone, I have the opportunity to feel his absence and appreciate what he brings to my life. This morning as we were texting one another, I realized how much laughter he brings to my life. He's brought touching back into my life.. in an intimate way. When you live without the touch of a lover for a long period of time, it's easy to forget how important it is. I had gotten so used to being without intimacy, that I no longer even missed it. Now, I'm keenly aware of the absence of it when he goes out of town for a week at a time. I relish the knowledge that on Friday I'll once again feel his hands and lips.. So.. now, this summer Mark will be moving in with me.. We'll be together on a more permanent basis. He's here most of the time right now.. so it'll be nice to know that when he says he's going home.. he'll mean he's coming here. I should have some reservations and/or fears about this move in my life. I don't. I only have hope and excitement. I will continue to live each day as it comes and be grateful for the love I have in my life. I will continue to be present in the moments of my life and let the people I love, know that I love them. Right now.. in this very moment.. I'm happy... fulfilled... and grateful for all that I've been graciously given. Life is good.... very good....

Happy Birthday Vincent!

My handsome, gorgeous son is 26 today! Wow.. that must mean I'm old now!

He has been such a blessing in my life. He is always there for me when I need him. He's my tennis partner and my Trivial Pursuit rival. He's just a great person and I'm so lucky to be able to call him my son.

Happy Birthday Vincee Boy! I love you so.

Savannah is 15 today!!

Not sure how it happened.. but my beautiful daughter turned 15 years old today.

Fun evening with Vince, my mom and Savannah's boyfriend, Anthony. Sadly, Mark's band is playing tonight so he couldn't be there. But, it was still an amazing evening at Cinzetti's. Great Italian food and great fun with amazing people.

Happy Birthday Nathan

24 years ago on this day, I welcomed my third son into this world. It was one of the happiest days of my life.

Happy Birthday Nathan. You make me so proud... and you are also making me a grandma in a few months. I love you!

A perfect Saturday night

Saturday at the Hideout Patio Bar and Grill with my sisters.. listening to Mark's band, Been There Done That...

What a great night. Dancing, laughing with my sisters. Watching the sexy guitar player and listening to incredible music.

I just don't know how it could have been any better.

Spring Break

It's finally here... Spring.. with Spring break looming a mere 5 hours away. It is always a blessed event to have this break away from the kids and the school.

This year I'll be doing a lot of Spring cleaning. My house and my yard are in dire need. I will also be finding time to have a little fun. Maybe a quick road trip with Mark to the Garden of the Gods in Manitou Springs. If not Spring Break, then the first weekend of the summer break.

I will also be be going to see The Hunger Games. I am so excited to see this amazing story come to life on the big screen. What an amazing story it is!

Tonight I will be at Oskar Blues listening to a wonderful band with Mark. I'm really looking forward to that. It'll be a wonderful end to a long week of state testing.

Happy spring!

Living without fear...

It could be that one day the joy will end.. and the mundane will once again enter my life. The fear that this could happen could enter my conscious and allow me to question the saneness of giving my heart to this wonderful man.

Now.. I refuse to let that happen. I refuse..

So.. right now I am fearless. I am living for each moment. Loving each moment.. feeling each moment intensely. If it should all disappear for whatever reason, I'll know that I put all of me into it.. the real me.. the authentic me

The me that doesn't keep a neat house.. that doesn't have a perfect body.. the me that knows how to touch him and kiss him and make love to him in the ways that bring him to ecstasy.... The me that needs to feel his warm body next to me each night.. and each morning waking to his touch...

I'm no longer afraid to be "Everyone's Next One" because I'd rather have a life of love and amazing moments than years and years of mundane indifference.

New Chapter... Good Chapter...

I'm going to name this new Chapter in my life, Magic Mark...

The beginning of the chapter has been phenomenal... My life has been turned 180 degrees... from lonely weekends to weekends filled with laughter.. touching.. loving.. kissing.. (oh.. the kissing) and incredible conversation.. I've never in my life felt so in tuned with another human being.. he seems to sense what I need and want.. and does not hesitate to act upon it. and I can sense what he needs and wants as well.

I find myself wanting to be as close as possible to him.. like I want to crawl inside him and stay there forever. His heart.. his heart... I love his heart. I love to listen to it beat.. strong and true.. like it's beating just for me.

When I'm in his arms.. if feel safe and nurtured and cared for in a way that I've never known. I want to be the same for him.

Good chapter... good chapter...

Ahhhhhh....

one satisfying weekend.. filled with love and nurturing and touching..

Living in the moment.. savoring every moment..

All we have is this moment... the past is past.. the future isn't ours yet.. Only the moment.

And every moment becomes a heightened experience.. because you are completely 100 percent there.. in the moment. Not wondering what's going to happen next. Not thinking.. If I do this... then????? Just completely lost in the moment of his eyes.. his lips... his voice... his hands... his love... and it's the perfect place to be. A safe and comfortable place to be... wrapped up in the moment of him...

Mark....

This one felt right...

This one fit just right...

This one could be fun...

Mark...

Somewhere Over the Rainbow by Eva Cassidy.

This brought tears to my eyes. She is gone now, but her beautiful voice is forever...