Number 50

I can't believe it... but I will be 50 years old next week. There will be a party to celebrate my half a century on this Earth. It's been an interesting ride so far. I have a lot to be thankful for.. and some things that I wish had never happened. But.. even those painful unfortunate events in my life have taught me some valuable lessons, so I guess I have to be thankful for them too.

One thing I'm so glad I did in my life was to have children. I love being a mom... and all that comes with that. My son, Vince is planning my party. He's excited to be able to do this for me and I can't believe he's old enough to take this on. He's enlisted the help of my sisters and mother, which was smart on his part.. since they will be the ones to supply the guest list. The guest list isn't long. I don't have a myriad of friends in my life, but the ones I do have are dear.. They will be here with me to celebrate as well as my family.

So.. here's to the last 50 years.. and here's to the next 50???? ok.. maybe 40 0r 30.. but whatever it is, I'm going to enjoy it.... take my bumps along the way and strive to be the kind of person that I want to be... one that helps others... works hard... and appreciates all she has in this world.

Happy Birthday to me.... :)

On Being Thankful..

It's easy to be thankful when life is going your way..

Like when all your kids are happy and healthy and in good places..

Or when you and your significant other are in love and at the top of the relationship mountain...

It's when things are not going so well that thankfulness is harder.

Like when your son is laid off and having to find a job in this tough economy..

and your other son is so far away on Thanksgiving..

and your daughter is trying to grow up too fast...

and your significant other is going through difficult times..

But here's the thing....

Vince is laid off... but I'm thankful for the time I've been getting to spend with him..

Nathan is far away... on the other side of Colorado.. but I'm thankful for his future in-laws and how much they love him.. and care for him.. And I've got a new daughter-in-law to be.. who is sweet and loving and loves my son with all her heart...

Savannah is trying to grow up too fast... but I'm thankful she and I have been able to come to a place where we respect each other and love each other for exactly who we are in this moment in time.. And she's happy and healthy and smart.. not too much more you could ask for there..

And Curtis.. is suffering right now.. trying to make sense of all the changes going on in his life.. But I'm thankful for him... and all the love he's given me this past year.. I'm thankful for the gift of time.. and patience..

So... life takes many twists and turns.. it gives and it takes... It hurts sometimes..and feels great other times.. but it's always surprising...

I'm thankful for all that life has given me.. and for the things it's taken away.. because if I'd never lost those things, I wouldn't be able to appreciate the great love in my life right now.

I wish all my friends and family a happy Thanksgiving.... and I wish them love and health.

busy, busy, busy

Teaching, learning, interviewing, tutoring... it's all happening at once and keeping me so busy. I love it, but am looking forward to my week off next week. I will having Thanksgiving dinner at my house with my mom, my sister and her family and my son, his girlfriend and Savannah. It should be a good time.

Mostly I'm looking forward to taking time to relax, read, and play a little tennis with my son, if the weather holds out. It's been chilly, but dry today... and tomorrow is supposed to be the same. I have tomorrow off to go to a doctor's appt, so maybe we can play a few games before my appt.

I've been participating in a research study for some new psoriasis medication ... and it's working. my skin is clearing up and I feel so much better about my skin. It feels so soft now and I'm not so self conscience about my skin.

I've been taking an I-Movie class and having a blast with it. I can create great movies with my students to help them with their learning.. plus to have some fun.

Off to bed.. maybe a bubble bath first.. that sounds relaxing. Sweet dreams to me...

Refreshed and relaxed...

Glenwood Springs was amazing.. relaxing.. just want I needed.. Curtis was an amazing traveling companion. We laughed.. loved.. relaxed.. and just enjoyed being with each other.

On Friday when we arrived, we checked into the cutest little hotel room.. relaxed in the room for a while then went and got a delicious mexican dinner. We walked around Glenwood for a while after, then went to the Hot Springs.. Ahhhhhhh it was amazing. The natural temperature of the water was 104 degrees while the air temperature was around 50 degrees. It was perfect. After spending about 3 hours in the water, we took our pruny selves back to the hotel and enjoyed a wonderful evening of just us.... and all that entails. ;)

On Saturday we slept in and then had breakfast in the hotel. It was pretty good for a hotel breakfast. Then we did some sight seeing and shopping. I got Savannah a cute little sculpture of a purple dragon and a beanie baby wiener dog. Curtis got his girls some pretty necklaces and a couple of sculptures also. Then we had a wonderful lunch outside on a pretty little patio. The food was delicious and the company was even better. After lunch we walked back to the hotel and got our jackets and rode the tram up to the top of the mountain. We saw beautiful views of the canyon and lots of people just having a good time.

We were going to go back to the pool Saturday evening, but ended up just staying in and enjoying each other. We watched a movie. It was so nice not having an agenda. Sunday morning, we slept in, packed up and had a great breakfast at a little German restaurant. Then had a beautiful drive back down the mountains.

It was so great to have Curtis to myself for an entire weekend. No teenaged girls... just us. Next time we go, we're taking the girls. But... this weekend was just for us.

My tree is beginning to change.. and it looks beautiful. Fall is in the air and although I'm feeling sad about John and all of that crap... I'm feeling good too, because fall is my favorite time of year. This year the weather has stayed so warm, that I wondered if we'd have a fall at all. But, in just the past few days, the colors began peaking out of the trees and bushes. This makes me feel better.. and also being able to take nice hat baths is nice too. In the hot summer months, baths are not so great.. I'm looking forward to soaking in a hot bubble bath tonight.

Happy fall... Welcome cool weather... Stick around for a while and keep that freezing cold weather at bay.

October

October 22nd... here it comes again.. and once again.. I'm caught off guard by the deep sadness and feelings of loss..

The worst part is that there isn't anything to do with these feelings.. Just be sad.. just feel empty.. Just feel like I don't want to be around anyone.. even Curtis..

Curtis is being understanding.. it's the first time he's had to deal with this "me".. It's such a different me. I'm usually so positive and "the glass is half full" kind of girl.. but right now, I just want to crawl inside myself and be alone.

I hope that when we are in Glenwood Springs, I can let this go and enjoy him and our time together.

But.. all I can think about is will this be the year that John thinks about me on his birthday..

and.. I get angry. I want to scream at him and his adoptive mom and tell them what ungrateful assholes they are. I gave birth to him.. I gave him to you.. and you never even say thank you.. I know that all of this is unreasonable.. but it's in me and it eats at me... and I'm just so sad..

So... I know that there are some out there that find pleasure in hurting me.. by letting me know how perfect everything is in their perfect lives.. and as happy as I am for them.. in October... it just feels like a slap in the face.. or a punch in the gut.. but as long as they found pleasure in the process of inflicting the pain.. then I guess it's all ok... and in November.. I'll be fine with the perfect life.. Mine might feel perfect by then too...

but for right now... I hope you choke on your champagne in your fucking hot tub...

Savannah and Vince

So... My beautiful daughter is trying to grow up too fast. She has a boyfriend.. who I like ok.. but she's too young and I'm trying to do a balancing act with them. Let her spend some time with him, while keeping boundaries around it... Right now she's grounded because she's having trouble honoring those boundaries..

Vince... got laid off from his job. It's so frustrating for him.. he's only 24 and already been through 2 jobs.. it's been a frustrating couple of years for him. I know he'll be moving to Houston to be close to his girlfriend now. The selfish me doesn't want him to go.. but the sensible me knows it's the best thing.

It's hard being a mom.. that's all I have to say about that.. (in my best Forrest Gump voice)

Stella Nicole

My little granddaughter is 7 months old today. I'm hopeful that I'll get to meet her one day along with her father. She looks so sweet.. and I long to hold her and kiss those perfect cheeks!

Not at my best...

When you deal with 8 year olds all day... it's so important to be at the top of your game all day, every day. Today I fell short of my best... I wasn't the teacher I expect myself to be..

I have the weekend to rejuvenate and rest...

Luckily, I didn't hurt anyone with words or anything like that.. I just felt like I wanted to be somewhere else... that's why we have personal days. :)

I love my job.. I expect perfection from myself.. when I'm less than perfect, I feel like a failure..

So... even though I wasn't on top of my game.. little Jennifer didn't care.. she brought me a rose. :)

Where there's smoke there's fire...

My county is under a cloud of smoke... and my friend no longer has a house..

Four Mile Canyon is burning out of control... about 30 miles West of me.. Ash is falling from the sky. We needed to keep our students inside today. Too much smoke for their little lungs.

But.. the saddest thing of all is Melissa.. my friend and colleague. She lives... lived.. in Gold Hill in the Four Mile Canyon area. Her house survived for quite awhile.. but it finally succumbed to the fire. She and her 2 sons, husband and pets are all okay.. but their beautiful home is gone.. along with so many memories..

I will keep her in my thoughts.. and prayers.. I know her so well.. she will survive this and bounce back stronger than ever.. but today she is sad.. and forlorn.. Chin up Melissa...

Sunday Evening...

Unremarkable... I guess that would be the word that would describe my Sunday the best...

Just me and Savannah.. hanging out.. doing laundry... making lunch and dinner..

I watched a couple of movies.. not great movies.. but not bad either..

Cherie... with Michelle Pfeifer was interesting. A woman whose job it is to educate young men in the art of love making.. hmmmmmm... and.. the interesting part was who did the hiring.. the mothers of these young men. Of course one of the young men fell in love with her and she with him and they began to play mind games with each other until they hurt each other beyond repair..

Now I'm just sitting here.. getting more and more tired. I need to go to bed. I will just as soon as the news is over.

Today was supposed to be our last temps in the 90's. I wonder if it will be. I know the nights have been so cool... that my flowers aren't blooming as vividly as they have been. Sure feels nice for sleeping though.. So cool and refreshing. I love it.

The news is talking about Craig's list. A woman is talking about censoring the erotic ads because it promotes human trafficking. I agree that it should be taken down.. I have a pretty open mind, but when it comes to sex and the loose way it's thrown around, I have a problem with it. There has to be some things that remain sacred and I think sex is one of those. So many people's thinking about sex becomes skewed because of all the crap out there...

Yes.. you can see I'm tired.. just rambling on... Good night... sleep well.. dream good dreams.. and hold on tight to the ones you love..

On love and soulmates

My Soulmate

It's a topic I've been thinking about a lot lately... the term soulmate..

Do we have one.. or do we have many? Do we have any?

Many have declared "you are my soulmate.. you are the one"... yet.. what they may mean is...

You are my soulmate right now.. you are the one right now..

Until recently in my life I have thought that "soulmate" was bullshit.. So many use the word, yet don't behave in a way that honors the meaning.

Then one day I planned a vacation... and in another town.. a man was planning his vacation as well... I booked my hotel... The Travel Lodge.. He booked his hotel.. The Holiday Inn.. yet when they looked at their vacancies for that week.. there wasn't any rooms for the entire week of his stay.. so he called the Travel Lodge and they had the room and the days he needed... Four rooms down from mine..

He was a man who shared his life with people in a very trusting way.. and his life was eerily similar to mine... Divorce.. painful one... from an alcoholic.. Trying to raise his kids while making sure life didn't just stop for them.. yet it stopped for him.

We found each other.. yet I really don't think we found each other.. We were put in the right place at the right time.. and our lives became entwined... and he said.. "We were meant to be together.. and you just don't mess with destiny"

So now.. I'm thinking there might just be something to this "soulmate" thing. Everyone who spends time with "us" as a couple says it appears we've been together forever.. We just get each other.

Neither one of us has any idea how to rely on another person.. We've been so strong and solitary for so long, we've forgotten how to let someone else take the load for a while. Maybe that will change with time. Maybe not. Maybe we're always just going to be solitary in our handling of hard times.. I hope not. I'd love to hand some of it off sometime..

I have a friend who has been married for some 30 years.. He loves his partner.. it's obvious that he does.. and he refers to her as his soulmate and I believe him when he says it. By watching him and listening to him, I understand some things about soulmates I didn't understand before..... Soulmates lose each other sometimes... and then come back to each other again. During that lost time, I think a person who has a soulmate feels the loss more than someone who has never experienced the "soulmate' phenomenon. There have been times where he has wandered aimlessly while she has turned corners he wasn't willing to turn.. He was wise enough to stay the course.. for the most part... If he hadn't strayed to some degree, I would have never crossed his path.. He was surprised, I think, that he could bring another "love" into his heart... I didn't understand the depth of his dilemma until recently... because I have someone I'm not willing to let go of.. even when I feel like straying... because of him, I realize that we will always come back to one another. And.. I'm not willing to allow anything to threaten our togetherness.

So.... 1 year ago... soulmate didn't register with me... today... it does.. and thanks to my friend who strayed in my direction some 11 years ago.... I recognized a soulmate when I saw one.. and I know how to stay the course even when it gets difficult. Thank you my wise friend...

Fall

Fall is my favorite time of the year. The days cool down.. and color bursts forth everywhere you look! Fall is a beginning to me. School begins.. football begins.. the holiday season begins..

This fall is shaping up nicely for me. I'll be going away with my soulmate to spend some much needed time alone with him. We have reservations for a suite in Glenwood Springs, CO to spend a long weekend together. Just him, me, a fireplace, some wine, and.... well whatever else we want. Glenwood Springs has a hot springs pool.. all natural.. and perfect for a couple in love to snuggle up in and hold on tight to each other. The weather should be cool.. which will make those hot springs feel perfect.

Cool nights... hot springs... perfect man... the only man for me... all will make for a weekend filled with love and magic!

Curtis

Feeling so blessed in my life these days. I have such great kids.. friends.. family.. and now I have a man that I love so much and treats me so well.

This picture was taken at my family reunion in Nebraska this summer. It was great to have Curtis and his girls along with us. Everyone thought he was a great as I think he is.

It took me a long time, but I finally found him and I'm never letting go.

Little Isabella and my beautiful Savannah

I'm in love with this new little soul. Savannah and I loved holding her and listening to all her little noises. She's just adorable. Jamie brought the baby with her to book club last night. We were all enthralled with her.

I love babies!! :)

Happy News!

My wonderful son, Nathan proposed to he beautiful girlfriend, Kayla. I'm so happy for them. I know they'll find happiness and also hit those hard times.. I just pray they will stay strong through them.

How exciting to know there is a wedding in the near future. Weddings are such hopeful joyful occasions.

Here then Gone

You look over your shoulder and

he's there.. toddling along behind you

swinging a stick in his hands

humming a little innocent tune

You look ahead of you and

he's running in front of you

letting you see he's in charge

with his phone in one hand, IPOD in the other

You look beside you and

he's shoulder to shoulder with you

sharing his dreams, hopes, fears, joys

getting ready to sprout wings and fly away.

You look around you and

little hints of him exist everywhere

a sock here, a football there

yet he's nowhere to be found.

Here then gone

Laughter then tears

Chaos then quiet

Gone gone gone gone gone gone...

If I never heard from him again, my heart would break into a million pieces. If his birthday came and went without knowing he was alive and well, I would crawl into a little ball and will myself to stop breathing.

August 26th... Just a day for some... a day of great importance and loss for others..

October 22nd.. Just a day for some.. a day of great importance and loss for others..

Isabella Nicole has arrived!

Today I got to hold a precious little baby.. Isabella was born at 5:2o this morning. She is so gorgeous. I'm so in love with her!

Jamie is doing so well. I'm so amazed by her. With all that is going on with her marriage.. she's holding it together and focusing on her baby. I'll be watching her and be ready to step in if it all hits her hard at once.. when she's home from the hospital and Isabella is having a bad night.. and the hormones are raging.. I want to be there to take some stress off her.

Eric is living apart from them.. and I'm feeling good about that, because I don't feel like he's a safe person for her to be around right now. I'm not sure that guy knows how to feel anything but selfishness. It's all about him.. when it should be all about Jamie and Isabella right now.

Anyway.. I'm a proud surrogate Auntie.. and I'm loving it.

wanting vs. needing

A friend posed a question to me.. and all her Facebook friends.. :)

"Should a married couple want each other or need each other"

My response was that want should be the main ingredient.. yet there are times when they will need each other.. even when they might now want one another.

This dear friend of mine is 9 months pregnant and recently found out that her husband of 6 years was having an affair.. and she's hurting and she's scared, and she's incredibly angry.

Truth be told, I've always gotten a "creep" vibe from her husband.. but she was so completely and blindly in love with him, that I just accepted the fact that I didn't see whatever it was that she saw in him.. and after all.. she's the one married to him. I just had to put up with him at parties and an occasional book club (which is very very creepy, because he "lurked" in the background)

Now.. his creep factor is slapping her in the face and it's like she's waking up from a wonderful dream and being thrown into a nightmare. She's going to have his baby, and he's sleeping with someone else.

So.. right now she doesn't want him.. but she desperately needs him.. As a woman who's been 9 months pregnant 4 times.. I understand the vulnerability that comes along with it. It's such a vulnerable place to be. A new life is about to enter the world and you are just sure that there is no way you can take all that on..yet with someone by your side it seems possible.. So.. he needs to be there for this little girl.. and her mother.. but her mother doesn't want him there. It's a complicated place to find yourself.

I pray for my friend.. I do know one thing for sure.. When Isabella Nicole enters her world, she will no longer question what unconditional love looks, feels, and sounds like.. she'll know. There isn't a more perfect moment in the world than holding that precious baby in your arms and looking into their little face and feeling them wrap their hand around your finger.. I've experienced it three times.. and I've yet to find a moment that compares. Maybe my first grandchild will.. but it won't top it.

Good luck my friend.. Hold on to the fact that you are a strong, beautiful woman who deserves all the love and want and need in the world. He might not be the one, but that doesn't mean there isn't another one out there who is. No matter what, you will always be Isabella's mommy.. It's the sweetest of all relationships.. even when it doesn't feel like it.

Want? Need? Like? Love? They all belong in a marriage.. because a marriage is an ever changing thing.. and for it to go the distance you need to endure the valleys as much as you enjoy the hills.

One Year

I can't believe it's been an entire year already with Curtis.. It's been such a good one too. It's had it's ups and downs.. but way more ups than downs.

He surprised me last night with roses, a movie and dinner. It was perfect. He let me know how important I was to him and that this is forever.

Also yesterday, my son Nathan told me he was going to ask his girl to marry him. He's so excited and I'm so happy for him. I'm a little scared for him because I know what he's getting himself into and he has no idea how hard it'll be at times.. I pray for them that they'll make it through all the ups and downs of life together.. supporting each other and remembering that they love each other. It can be easy to forget that sometimes.

Marriage.... something I thought I was done with.. but now I see myself married to Curtis.. walking down an aisle littered with flower petals and him waiting for me at the other end of that aisle.. smiling and knowing that I'm the one he's been waiting for. Sounds kind of naive and corny.. yet it's something I want.

One year.. today is the first day of the second one.. I love you Curtis..

Camping

I did it.. I went camping with Curtis and his family. I met his dad and brother and his brother's wife. His niece and her family was there too. Savannah and I felt so accepted by everyone. It's not surprising to me that his family would be wonderful... because he's so wonderful.

I spent the nights in a cabin with Savannah and Alexa and Erica, Curtis' daughters. We had such a good time. I really got to know his daughters even better. I really like them. They're good girls.

Curtis told me how much he loved me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I want to spend the rest of mine with him too. He's such a good person.. and I want to be with him forever..

Quiet Sunday Morning

Coffee... newspaper... quiet..

Savannah is sleeping... and I am enjoying the peaceful solitude of this morning.

I think I'll do something fun today.. maybe take in a movie..

I do have to do some work today for school tomorrow. That'll wait until later on this evening.

Well.. I'm going to finish my coffee... and then contemplate my next move. :)

Summer

Ahhhh.. Summer school is over and I'm feeling very tired, but good about how things went.

One thing I know for sure is that I know a good teacher when I see one. I hired some of the best teachers to work for me. I knew it right away in their interviews. I also knew right away which ones I wouldn't want to work for me.

Now I'll be teaching a Jump start program at my school. I'm looking forward to just being a teacher again.

School starts on August 18th. This summer just flew by.

Camping with Curtis and the girls next weekend should be fun.. a nice end to my summer. Savannah is even looking forward to it. I can't believe that I'll get an entire weekend with the man I love.. That never happens. I'll be meeting his family for the first time and I'm a little nervous about that, but it'll be great. Just a quiet, relaxing weekend with good people.

Ahhhh.... summer is almost over and that makes me happy.

Risks..

I'm so glad she's okay... because that means you'll be okay..

I'm so glad she's there... because you need her so..

There are things in life that are worth taking risks for.. then there are those things that should never be put at risk.. and she's one.

I'm so glad I have him.. because that means I'll be okay..

I'm so glad he's here.. because I need him so...

There are things in life that are worth taking risks for.. then there are those things that should never be put at risk.. and he's one.

There will always be kind words for you.. always be love in my heart for you.. always be thoughts of you..

Keep me posted through your blog.. I'll keep you posted here..

We'll have each other always.. because part of my heart will always be yours..

you are just incredible...

Summer

Summer for all intents and purposes is here... and as much as I'm loving being in the yard and garden.. I feel restless..

Curtis.. wow.. he can make me crazy. He can be so close and then move so very far away. I know.. he's busy.. but too busy to say a quick... hi..

I want to spend time with him.. some long uninterrupted time with him. Where we can see if this is something that can go somewhere or something that will wither up and die.. If we don't start spending time together, it will wither up and die. I feel it doing that a little already.

Savannah's summer is going to be a busy one. She will be going here and there and everywhere. Creed, Gunnison, Nebraska, Seattle... and.. volunteering her time at the animal shelter. I'm hopeful that will go well.. better than when her brother did it. He forgot over and over to show up for his shifts. She'll be better than that. I think she's more mature than he was.

Me... a few weeks to relax and then summer school starts. I'm looking forward to the work.. and the pay. I'm looking forward to being busy.

I don't do "unbusy" too well... I need to get better at that.

Savannah

Her arrival a surpise
Her beauty and softness expected
Her strong nature emerging

Her words sting
Her glances stab in the heart
Her demeanor like a suit of armor

Her love hidden
Her vulnerabilty shadowed
Her softness unrevealed

Silence

How can something so noiseless
be so loud
His silence is deafening to my heart.
It's like a trumpet blairing in my ear
like a runaway train barreling through my heart.

How can I be hopeful in his silences
How can I not question my actions
or lack there of... did I? did I not?
should I have said that? this?
Not said that? this?
What did I do?
Will his silence end with
goodbye????

In his silences I remember...
the pain of loving.. of losing..
and I want to retreat back into
my solitude...
How could I have been so careless??
has my heart mended so completely
that I forgot to remember the pain?
other faces come back into focus..
and they mock me..
you thought you might be worthy of love..
they chide..
think again.. remember me.. I tell you the truth..
you are a failure in this dangerous arena...
You lose every time.. How could you forget?
I'll help you recall all that is wrong with the escence..
of you

Stupid.. idiot..
love.. that is for others.. not you..
not me...
He figured it out... his silence tells me..
He's laughing... He's taunting...
Thanks for sharing the deepest part of
you
with
me
but.. now I no longer desire
the hideous thing that is
you

silence is screaming in my face...
Go away... leave me alone....
crawl back under the covers..
shrivel up and die...

Silence...

Where to Begin

My life has taken a lot twists and turns.. and every now and again I'll meet a "black or white" kind of person.. someone without the ability to see all the beautiful gray areas where life truly happens.

I love the twists and turns my life has taken. I love that there are so many, many gray areas in my life. Some of the gray is disguised as misery.. but when you look deep into that gray you'll find a lesson learned, or a "oh my God.. I'll never do that again" moment.

Then there are those gray areas that bring sweetness and light into your life. Like the birth of a child or the vows shared between two lovers.

I'm in a gray place with my new "friend"... is he a friend? .. is he more? There is no black or white here. Just two people who've been bitten my love.. and not in a good way. We've both learned valuable lessons from those hard relationships.. where one person was always trying to hurt the other one. And now.. here we are... him.. me.. us?.. maybe.. maybe not. a few tentative kisses.. each getting more passionate than the last.. yet.. not willing to go further yet.. not willing to say.. yes!!! let's!!!! No.. just 2 steps forward.. then 1 step back.

A dance if you will.. a dance of "can I trust him? can he trust me?" Sometimes we say yes.. and sometimes we say.. maybe not. But no one has said NO! yet.... That's a good thing.

So.. here I lie in my gray areas.. between the lines areas... not sure what will happen next areas... and loving every minute of it.