I'm Sorry...

Sorry...
It seems like such a simple word in theory.

Not so simple in reality though.

It's not so hard to say... in theory..

In reality however.... it can be impossible to utter..

I'm sorry... Can be a powerful phrase.. allowing the healing, the forgiveness, and the future to continue on.

I continually wait to hear these two words.. so I can believe it is safe to forgive and move on.

He'll never say them though.. because he doesn't believe or know he has hurt me.

So.. I continue to wait and know that my hurt is my own.. no one else's.. mine alone..

LIving with the knowledge that I just don't matter that much.... hurts.

Come Home for Christmas by The Eagles.

I love this song...

Stationery card

Very Merry Moments Christmas Card

Add one photo or multiple to your Christmas cards this season.

View the entire collection of cards.

That Time of Year

It took me a while to get into the Christmas spirit this year... But I'm finally there. I have one more week of school.. most of the "needs to be done" things are done and it should just a fun week with the kids.

Vince helped me get my house all festive. That has really put me the Christmas spirit. This picture doesn't do it justice, but it's beautiful.

I'm looking forward to being with Bubs, Vince, Nathan, Kayla and Savannah in Gunnison this year. It'll be a true family Christmas. I really need that right now.

The Living Proof

Gratefulness

Once again it's that time of the year to remember those people we are grateful for in our lives.

The three people you see in these pictures are my pride and joy. And I thank God for them every day. They bring me sunshine, laughter, and joy. My love for them is frightening sometimes.. it's so deep and everlasting. Loving someone that much makes you realize how empty your life would be if they weren't there any longer. So.. I thank you again God.. for allowing me the privilege and honor of being their mom..

Grandma?

It's a title I've wanted for a long time...
And now.. It's a reality.

Nathan and Kayla are expecting a bundle of joy..
This coming June, I will officially be "Grandma Susan"

I posted this Halloween picture of me and my teammates because when I look at it, I don't see grandma nor feel it.. but none-the-less.. I'm embracing it.

Here's the kind of Grandma I want to be... first of all.. I want to be called Grandma.. not Nana or Nanny, or granny... just Grandma. I want to make cookies with my grandkids.. crochet them cute blankets and sweaters.. When they come to visit, I want to take them to the museum and zoo and movies and the park and the amusement park. I want to be the grandma that my grandma was. She is who I want to emulate. I lost her last year.. almost exactly a year ago.. and now.. I can honor her by being the loving, accepting, honorable grandmother that she was always to me. I love you Grandma... forever..

So.. here we go.. onto the next phase of my life.... Grandma... I'm going to love this phase.

Another October Gone

My 51st October has come and gone. Halloween is tomorrow. Never my favorite day at school. Kids get a little hyper.

But.. I'm always happy to see October leave. November is always a welcomed sight. Three weeks of work.. then a week off to spend with my family. Nathan and Kayla will be here for Thanksgiving. That makes me happy.

This picture was taken last Monday at around 6:45am.. as I was leaving the rec center. The very next day a huge snowstorm blew through the state and took out a lot of trees. I got up at 3am to knock the snow off my two little baby trees... so they survived without any damage. The storm took fall away. But.. it was beautiful while it lasted.

Ahhhhh Freedom...

I found the car for me and am very happy with it. I no longer have to rely on others to get where I need to be.

Not a bad way to spend the day.. this day...

Good Day...

With things being the way they are... they way they will always be...

today being a good day is pretty phenomenal..

My students are amazing.. I'm blessed with them..

My children are wonderful.. I'm three times blessed with them..

tomorrow is Friday..

It'll start with a three mile run.. and then a fun day at school...

Saturday will start with a three mile run.. and then a trip to the auto dealership.. I hope there will be a new car in my driveway by the end of Saturday.. Good way to spend a day that used to be spent wallowing in sorrow...

No more.. no more wallowing...

I'm having good days from now on..

Happy Retirement

Norah Jones - Turn Me On

Norah Jones - Come Away With Me

Grateful...

I'm grateful for so many things in my life...

My beautiful daughter, Savannah. Her energy and light are amazing.

My beautiful son, Vincent... His love and support are evident every day..

My beautiful son, Nathan.. His ability to love and give support to others is inspiring..

My job.. I love teaching... it inspires me...

My home.. It's warm, cozy and comfortable..

My mom.. She's a constant source of love and support..

My sisters.. They are intelligent, funny, strong, and full of life..

My brothers.. They are there if I need them.

My friends.. They are few but wonderful

My past loves... They each taught me unforgettable lessons..

My dog Marti.. Her unconditional love has gotten me through many cold lonely nights..

My son, John.. He's taught me how strong I can be..

My granddaughter, Stella.. Part of me is in her and will live on..

My education.. It's afforded me a life I never could have had without it..

My perseverance.. It always gets me through to the end

My co workers.. An amazing bunch of professionals

The majestic Rocky Mountains.. I get to see them every day

My health.... I run 12 miles a week and feel pretty good these days..

There are so many positive things to focus on in my life... I'm working on focusing on those and letting go of the things i cannot change...

God.. grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

October

October is a mixed bag for me...

On one hand it's the beginning of my favorite season..

On the other hand it's the birthday of my son, whom I have no relationship with.. Whom I deserve no relationship with...

I gave up my rights to him 31 years ago. I gave him to another mother.. and that was that.. I was no longer part of his life. He doesn't need me..want me.. or even gives me a second thought..

I, on the other hand.. think of him nonstop during October.. I fight a depression every October.. I wake up everyday and make myself get up and go through the motion of my day.. I smile and put on the front that is expected of me... and then at night I close the bedroom door.. and cry... and cry... and cry.. Tears for a life I lost.. tears for the me that was lost and the person that was put in her place. The half person that I am.. I live a half of a life..

Which is why I'm alone.. which is why people I love turn away... which is why I have no earthly idea how to maintain any relationship in my life...

Life goes on.. and it keeps going on without me. I try to be a whole person.. but fail constantly... because 31 years ago, I gave away a huge part of who I am... and I did what I needed to do to survive... but.. just surviving isn't working for me any longer..

October.... a dark month... it's not even half over... and I'm feeling like I am drowning.. and I'm calling out, but no one hears me..

Help...

Stella

She doesn't know how much I love her...
She doesn't know that I'm her grandma...
She doesn't know that she carries a part of me...
in her genes.. in her blood.. in her DNA...

I watch her grow up from afar..
Searching for me in her eyes.. her smile... her face..

I wonder...
Does John ever wonder about her true family...
The one that sacrificed so much so he could live..
and have the life he loves so much..

Probably not...
Probably never will...

I wonder what kind of mother could raise a child to be so closed up to curiosity about his own life...

I did it!

After 4 and a half weeks of training... I ran a 5K today without stopping and felt really good while doing it.

I have 2 more weeks before the big race and I'm feel strong... stronger than I've felt in a long time.

I may spend the rest of my life alone.. without love...

But.. I can at least channel my energy into running...

I feel good about this.. and that feels good.

Life is so strange... when some things go awry.. other things pick up and help you to cope with the bad things..

A new job.. A new hobby... A renewed sense of energy...

So.. no love in my life???? I guess I can cope...

Happiness???? no... contentment???? yes... lonely???? yes... Hope??? in some things.. not in other things..

Getting used to being alone again.. losing Curtis took it's toll on me.. so much more than I knew...

I really thought he was going to be the person I spent the rest of my life with.. He said the same thing to me.. but it was the wrong time for us.. Too much going on in his life.. and three teenaged girls that take all of our energy.

So.. I feel a victory tonight.. I set a goal.. and I worked and worked and achieved it..

That feels good...

Perfect evening...

One mom...
Two sons...
One daughter...
Two friends....
Great BBQ chicken...
Stimulating Conversation...
Laughter...
Surprises...
Relaxation...
Love...
Serenity...

Just a Day....

Even though it's just another day,
It's a day meant to celebrate something that is an important part of who we are...

Father's Day for you...
Mother's Day for me...

In my heart I am a mother of 4.. yet every year I celebrate as the mother of 3..

In your heart you are "Dad"....
yet every year you celebrate with no one...

It sucks.. It's unfair... and no one will ever be able to say anything to you to make you feel better...

Because the sadness of losing our children will be a part of who we are until the day we die...

It is actually part of our DNA now...

So.. just feel sad... just be miserable... because that is how you feel and no one should ever make you feel bad for feeling that way.

You'll rise up again in a few days/weeks... but for now...

You're just sad....

and I understand...

Forever...

Continued Focus

I continue to focus on my goal of finishing my 5K fun run on July 9th.

Last week I ran/walked.. (but mostly ran) almost 250 minutes. That's about 15 miles. I feel good about that.

For my whole life I've watched people I love cross finish lines.. and now, I'll be crossing one.

Please pray for my knees. They are not liking all this running. But.. they are going to have to get used it.

Summer fun...

This has been the best summer ever so far. So much fun having all three of my kids home with me.. and my yard is looking so great. I had coffee on the patio this morning with my son Nathan. So nice and peaceful. I love not having any demands on my time right now. I have to take Savannah to and from her babysitting jobs, but other than that I'm free and easy right now. That'll change in about a week, but for now.. I'm loving it!

Something new...

.... A new friend? A new love? A new companion?

Not sure.. but it was a nice conversation.. easy and uncomplicated.

He made me laugh.. and think.. and a little nervous.

Not sure I'm ready.. but I don't want to be alone either....

So... I think I'll go out with him.. just to see. Just to see...

Still I Rise by Maya Angelou

I love this poem... because it's so human and true for anyone who has ever suffered....

enjoy..

Rest...

Finally... at 2pm tomorrow.. I will be sitting with a group of friends.. having a drink.. a few snacks.. a few laughs... and a few goodbyes.

And summer will officially start for me. I have an entire week off with nothing to do except sleep in.. work in my yard.. read.. work out.. and enjoy my kids and my life...

I'm thinking about all my friends who are living in the paths of tornadoes.. and I'm praying that you'll be safe and your homes will be safe..

I'm thankful that we are experiencing mild weather right now. We had days and days of rain.. but not anything life threatening.

I'm in the process of training for a 5K run.. My wonderful sons are helping me. Monday.. 30 minutes on the treadmill.. running/walking intervals. Tuesday.. running/walking incline intervals.. then lunges(which is why I can walk today)
Tonight.. an hour of tennis and then walking/running around the track for 6 laps.

I'm tired... Good night.. Sleep tight... Don't let the tornadoes bite!

Three More Days

School will be done in
three more days.

I am so relieved because this class has been trying to say the least.

One particular student has been a lesson in patience all year long.

He was absent twice all year and both of those days were a much needed reprieve.

Good luck to his fourth grade teacher...

Good luck to him... he's going to need a LOT of luck with the hand he's been dealt.

A marshmallow father... A mother in denial...

They, I fear, are raising a sociopath... and I fear for anyone who gets in his way..

Now.. three more days.. Part of me wonders that since he was absent on Friday.. will he be absent the remainder of the year?

I don't think I'm that lucky... He'll be there to the bitter end.. Making my last days with these kids a living hell...

Three more Days..

Trying to figure you out...

Are you sad???
Are you mad??
Are you resigned??
Are you alive??

Was the Bottle of Wine thing just supposed to be funny
Or was it supposed to be prophetic?

I'm here.. just wondering..

Is my friend ok?

Is my friend not ok?

Sending my love over the miles...

Waiting.... Waiting...

To know that you are ok...

Exiting Life?

Not sure what that means....

Is it an exit from this part of your life into another part?

Is it an exit from life altogether?

Is there something I don't know?

Are you considering something that will leave me and others devastated?

Talk to me... k?

I

love

you
.

have

I

ever

told

you

that

?

If I could touch you..

I would pull you close.
So close you'd feel my
heart beating....
beating just for you..

I would wrap myself
around you..
naked skin against...
naked skin..

entwined limbs...
deep kisses..
sounds of pure unadulterated
ecstasy....

pulling you into me...
arching towards you....
reaching the heights
of ecstasy...

If I could touch you....

Keeper of the Stars...

.... makes me smile...

....makes me remember...

....makes me know...

love...

Proud Momma....

My son, Nathan graduated from college this weekend. He worked so hard .. I'm so proud of him.

His brother and sister are very proud of him too...

I love you Nathan... You'll always be my baby boy.. always and forever...

What Does Happiness Feel Like?

My class wrote a beautiful poem together called.. What Does Happiness Feel Like?

They read it in from of the entire school. It was so cute. They were nervous, but did such a wonderful job.

exhaustion

Boy... do I need to have a week of sleep... So much to do... and it doesn't seem to stop...

Tonight a meeting with the leadership team...
tomorrow sitting through 4 hours of Kindergarten teacher interviews...
thursday... working on the staff handbook.. then going to the curriculum meeting with the new parents of our school...

Friday.. driving to Gunnison to watch my beautiful son graduate from college.. I 'm so proud of him.. he's worked so hard

So. it doesn't look like any rest is in sight for the next few weeks.. but summer will be here soon.. and I'll have a month or so to rest before summer school starts up.

now.. off to bed.. alone... :(

Monday, Monday..

is over over...

17 more days of school... then I say goodbye to Columbine Elementary School.. where I've spent the last 7 years of my teaching career. I will miss certain people dearly... and others I can say goodbye to with zeal... Some of the most miserable people I've ever met work at that school... and they seem intent on spreading their misery like a wild fire through the school...

Even so... one of my best friends works at that school.. Jamie... and I have to say goodbye to her.. even though since she had Isabella, we've drifted apart a little.. still... she's my Jamie and I'm not sure how it will be to go to school every day and not see her.

Then there's Eddie... the best principal I've ever worked with. He's funny and good at his job. Now there will be Cyrus.. my new principal. He's intense.. but compassionate as well. I think he's going to be good to work with..

A brand new school.. Red Hawk Elementary.. I'll be the first and only teacher to ever teach in my classroom.. I'll have some of the best technology at my finger tips. It's a green star school.. so it's better for the environment.

It's new and I'm a little scared that I won't do well... that I'll find that I'm only a good teacher in Title schools.. that I can only teach children from poverty stricken areas.. Kids from well to do areas might not be someone I can I can't teach... who knows..

but.. it's time to move on and spread my wings and challenge myself..

Back to Work

You'll be great...
You've been missed...

Lucky them.. to have you back...

Take it slow... Take it easy...

smile that smile...
work that magic...

You'll be great..
You've been missed...

Why.....

I've always been able to pick myself up...
Dust myself off...
and forge ahead....

Not this time..

I wake up... and I wonder..
Why???
Why get out of bed?
What exactly is it that is worth
the EFFORT..... so much EFFORT....

I finally do get up...
and go downstairs to make coffee..
I turn on the news...
and I wonder..
Why???
Why is everything so bad out there?
Why do people treat one another they way they do?

Then I go to work.. and walk into my classroom..
It's usually the one place I can answer the question.. Why?
But these past few months.. it's not so clear.
Too many behavior and parent issues..
Too many times when I'm not who I want to be..
Who I used to be..

I look in the mirror..
and wonder..
Why???
Why would anyone love me??
It's clear that I have nothing to offer anyone...
Just old.. ugly... fat... me...
Not such a great thing..

Not picking myself up this time.
Wanting to throw in the towel..
Wanting to give it all up...

Why????

Norah Jones.. I Wouldn't Need You

I love this song.... It makes me sad... and happy all at the same time....

Because.. I can remember your touch...

The Past

When the future is unsure... or dreaded...

The past is a fine refuge..

fifty years of... Once upon a times...

gives me moments to fall back into....

I fall back into a wooded path...

A cozy cabin...

Naked moments of ecstasy...

Being pulled from reality

into a magical land of fantasy..

Yes... when those Once Upon a Time

moments come to me...

I close my eyes and remember..

Him....

Love... Lust... Romance... Pain...

All come to my mind

and I smile..

and then I open my eyes...

And my Once Upon a time

is once again...

Hear and Now...

And I can move forward..

But he will always live

in my heart... in my soul...

and.. yes... I can smile...

An exhausting Tuesday..... almost done....

I'm tired.. I'm exhausted... I'm running on my last ounce of energy....

I took too much on this year. I thought if I was busy, I wouldn't miss Curtis so much...

But guess what.. I miss Curtis.. so much...

I do keep my mind busy enough to keep thoughts of him as bay... and then something will happy to thrust him to the forefront of my mind... and then I feel sad.. so sad...

And then... today.... he texted me.. to tell me how miserable he is.. and still how busy he is.. I'm miserable without him.. he's miserable without me... and yet.. apart is how we have to be.

Because the truth of the matter is that neither of us is in a place where another heart can enter the picture. He has school.. work.. the girls... the girls... the girls.... and I have 2 schools, 2 committees, 1 summer school.. and Savannah... Savannah... Savannah...

He lives for others.. I live for others... and one day the "others" will be gone.. and he'll be alone and I'll be alone.. and that's just depressing.

So.. This exhausting Tuesday is over. I'm going to bed.. alone.. alone... alone... so .. alone..

What's even more exhausting than working yourself to the bone.. is surviving a terrible loneliness that has no end in sight.. It's exhausting to be alone.. and lonely...

Good night Tuesday.. Hello empty bed... See you tomorrow Wednesday.... which is really Tuesday in disguise.. Tuesday was just lonely Monday in disguise.. and so on and so on and so on....

They all look and feel the same.. and I remain unloved.....

good night...

Summer School

Tonight was my first summer school meeting. Same old stuff really with the exception of a new site for me. I won't be at Indian Peaks Elementary like in the past. I'll be at Sunset Middle School. Now this change doesn't bother me.. with one tiny little exception. How are my little baby kindergartners, 1st graders and 2nd graders going to sit in those great big middle school chairs? This will be very weird.

Other than that and none of my teachers from last year with the exception of one returning.. I'm good to go. Bring it on!! :)

Easter Morning

When I was a kid.. I couldn't wait for Easter morning for so many reasons..

Of course.. there was going to be an Easter basket filled with jelly beans and a cute stuffed animal. There was always an Easter egg hunt... and.. I always got a brand new dress to wear to Easter mass. My mom loved Easter, so she really did it up right.

I was always fascinated with the Resurrection story. One year.. not too many years ago.. I went to a church service where the story of Jesus' Crucifixion and Resurrection was depicted and it was amazing. I really felt the spirit of Jesus in that moment and it was so humbling.

He lived his life in a way that we all should. Loving the unlovable... Reaching out to the people who live on the outside of society... and accepting everyone and loving them...

The judgemental way in which some people act in His name is shameful.

Let's all remember that He loved us all.. for better or worse...

Other People's Business

Every time I hear someone talk about the choices other's make for their lives and condemning them and judging them, I wonder... Why? Why is it their concern or business?

If a human being feels that loving someone of the same sex rather than the opposite sex is what feels right for them, what in the world does that have to do with anyone else? And if those two people would like to get married.. have a wedding to celebrate their love... Why is that the business of anyone else? When they want to share their love and lives with a child.. why is it they have judgment and shame thrown upon them?

I had a heterosexual father... and he sucked.. I see my gay friends raising their children and I'm jealous of their children. They are loving fathers.. involved in the lives of their children.. and understand that it is their job to protect and love no matter what.

My father sent my one birthday card in my entire life... it was on my 19th birthday... and the reason he remembered this birthday was because he wasn't going to have to pay my mother child support any longer... Sweet.. huh?

Who you chose to sleep with isn't what makes you a good or bad candidate for the role of parent... what makes you a good candidate for parenthood is commitment to your child and an unwavering love...

Beautiful Spring Winter

April 23, 2011.... I woke up to snow on the ground.

This is one of the many reasons I love living in Colorado.

Spring makes a very deceptive appearance..... It shows up.. then it goes back into hiding...

By this afternoon, we could have sunny skies and people will be out playing golf or tennis....

We need the moisture..... so many wild fires. ... so much destruction...

So... waking up to the peaceful snow on this quiet April Saturday was a much welcomed sight.

Ahhhhh.... Peace to all....

25,23,14

Three beautiful Children... My Children...

They have filled my life with so much joy and pride...

And now they all just turned another year older...

Vince.. 25... young, strong, handsome. He's the one that will always make sure that I'm ok. He lets his head lead over his heart so much. He wants things to be perfect before he jumps into anything. He eventually realizes that things will never be perfect.. but he keeps expecting perfection.. I love that about him..

Nathan.. 23 .. young, strong, handsome. He's the impulsive one.. He'll do what feels right because he leads with his heart. Reason will always follow his heart. That's why he's getting married this summer... Way before he's really ready to do so.. but.. his heart says that it's time to marry her. He believes that imperfection is perfection.. I love that about him.

Savannah... young, strong willed and beautiful. She thinks only of the moment.. because that is what 14 year olds do. I always tell her that it's okay because I'm holding her future with me.. and when I see her doing something that might jeopardize her future... I help her fix it, avoid it, and understand how and why it isn't a good idea. She thinks she's invincible.. I love that about her.

My life has been enriched so much by these three incredible people. I love that about them.

Recovery

Entering into some manner of recovery is inevitable for everyone.. I think....

I've seen everyone I know recover from one thing or another...

Everyone has their demons... battles... addictions... health problems... and mishaps along the road of life..

Life rarely takes us where we thought we were going. It always gives us the occational bump or bruise along the way and it's up to us to "recover" or not. I've known a few who have finally said.. Forget it!! I'm done!! and they give into the darkness and sink in for the long haul. I have to say I understand the desire to do that sometimes. The darkness can be tempting.. because you are alone there... and the fight is over.

It's always the same thing with everyone that gets them into and through recovery... LOVE... Love is a powerful thing.. a wonderous thing.. a thing we all want.

A loved one will nurse us through a difficult surgery and assure us that it will get better... A loved one will let you know that you're in danger of losing everything.. and get you into recovery.. a loved one will hold your hand when you are just sure you don't have another meeting, appointment, session in you.. and tell you that you do... and guess what???? You do.

Be it a recovery from a surgery... an addiction.. a loss... love is what will get us through everytime..

And you are loved.... very much...

Time

"I'm busy!" He says... so busy... so very very busy....

I have school, I have work, I have my girls, I have my ex who is escalating.. (whatever that means)

So.. here is my question.. where is your joy? where is your smile? where is your happiness...

One year ago I saw them all the time. .. your joy, your smile, your happiness.. Now they are buried in your busy busy life... along with me. You killed us.. and buried me too...

Now I sit here and I wonder about you... I think about how great we are together and how time won't let us be together..

I told you once that I was going to work at being as busy as you so I wouldn't miss you so much.. but then I decided that I didn't want to bury my joy, smiles and happiness too.

And I also realized that no matter how busy I would get ... I would never get too busy for you..because I love you and you deserve time from me....

Taking time away from Savannah to spend an evening with you doesn't mean I'm neglecting her, it means I'm showing her what it takes to make a good relationship work. You, on the other hand, are showing Alexa and Erica that relationships deserve no time.. You are telling them that you don't matter.. only they do.. You wonder why they disrespect you.. It is very obvious that you treat yourself like shit and let them know that your needs always come second to theres.. so of course they will treat you like shit....

You said you won't tolerate me twisting your words.. yet you know I didn't twist your words.. you just didn't like the fact that I called you on your shit... because saying "It just isn't worth it" is saying "Susan, you're just not worth it" no matter how much you wish I was worth it... in your heart you know I'm not.

So.. I know you're not sitting around missing me.. or thinking about me.. and wondering how I am.. because you don't have time to do that either....

but... I am sitting around here missing you and thinking about you and wondering how you are.. because that is what normal people do with the significant people in their lives...

Thank God you are so busy... so busy that you don't even have to think about how lonely and alone you truly are...